Home Horoscope By popular demand (not) – My feel good horoscope

By popular demand (not) – My feel good horoscope

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Many people (Okay, none) have asked me to present my vast experience (I have none) on the topic of horoscopes. So, after many sleepless nights of research (Okay, none) I have distilled this week’s stars and planets prognostication. As an added bonus (Isn’t “added” redundant?) I have neutered it as a feel good mule:

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Moon Alert (in the event you didn’t know we had one):

This is a good day to shop (May as well start with a no-brainer.) The Moon itself is in Pisces which means it either sleeps with the fishes or something entirely different. Go buy something.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

You will have no conflicts with anyone today provided you close you blinds, shut off your phone and stay home in your basement (If you don’t have a basement, just pretend, and crouch.) Good day to catch up on Facebook, liking everything your friends (who would better serve if they actually spent oxygen sharing time with you) post (even if it stampedes afoul of your soul’s sole tenet.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You will have a thought; it will be something you know is happening just like this horoscope said. The substance of the thought is not important (because we have no idea what it could be; after all, we are not fortune-tellers. Uh…wait. We are. Okay, forget the previous chatter.)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You will be in touch with your feelings today (Note that no feelings counts as a feeling.) Tell someone you love them today. (Cats count.) Scratch that off your calendar.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It is a good day for you if you are in the arts. If not, it is a good day for you anyway. Find your muse (if you ever figure out what the heck that is.) Whatever….

Leo (July 23-I lost count)

A good day to spend with family. If you just don’t like them that much, remember…the world is your family. So…technically, anyone you say hello to counts as family. Again, your cat counts.

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your psychic abilities (your secret super power) is over the top today. (The top of what is not important.) Feel free to confidently reply to associates/friends/extra-terrestrials who ask you for your opinion, to pause and say thoughtfully, “Let me sleep on it.” Then, forget about it because, at the finish line, it’s really the thought that counts.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Great day to shop (Slow day in the fortune-telling biz.) Go buy something (You know you want it.)

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The Sun is in your sign dancing with Neptune (What fun, imagine them doing The Twist.)

Ask yourself, “What is my personal philosophy of living?” Whatever answer you give is correct. If you do not answer, that is Zen and even greater in deep (whatever) meaning.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 52 on the Aztec calendar)

Retreat to your fortress of solitude (Spending time on the couch with your cat counts.) Do whatever you want; it’s your day. (Personally, I would order Kentucky Fried Chicken and watch sports.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

A good day to have a heart-to-heart discussion with a friend (imaginary or not, actually way better and easier with an imaginary one, if the truth be told.) You are open to being a good listener. (Anyway, you don’t’ have to actually pay attention because, after all, your feelings count too, right?)

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Something will happen today. You may not even notice it. (That counts.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You have something to do with the Moon today, but you already knew that, so…

If Your Birthday Is Today:

Uh…..Happy birthday!



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