LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): As Mercury moves into retrograde, it’s time to think about practising gratitude. What are you thankful for? Family? Friends? Health care workers? The partially-opened container of McDonalds limited-edition BTS-branded Cajun dipping sauce that someone with the username “SauceDaddy89” is selling on eBay for $300?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): As the air cools, let fiery passion reign. If you’re not channeling the smouldering energy of BTS heartthrob J-Hope in the 2021 record-breaking smash hit “Butter,” you’re not trying hard enough.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Ignore the haters. Rest assured I will NOT be using the $300 to purchase a commercial-grade pail of horse dewormer. Did Craig tell you that? That guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Why would I spend three hundred of your hard-earned dollars on fake medication? You can basically walk into a Swiss Chalet at this point and get a free, effective, empirically-validated vaccine with your quarter chicken dinner. God, Craig, you’re such a Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): What is this, a mer-goat? Hard pass.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Fortune favours the bold, but you know the bold make their own fortune. This autumn, a special charm brings additional luck. Keep your eye out for a forgotten heirloom, a new mantra, or the tangy zing of a sauce that captures the long, proud heritage of the Acadians, driven out of their ancestral homeland to South Korea, their story immortalized by unstoppable boy band BTS — a sauce now available in near-mint condition for the competitive price of $300.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20): Autumn, the season of death, the beautiful decay before the nothingness of winter. Your horoscope, like that of all the signs of the Zodiac, is interwoven with the passing of the seasons, the indifferent march of time blind to both your destiny and your dreams. Reflect now on the transience of life, the fading of all things. The leaves change before they fall, and so must you. I accept PayPal and etransfer.